It was the day after my moms death as the whole family gathered early that morning, all together we stood strong for dad not wanting him to share his pain and loss alone together all shared our pain and grief and helplessness of now. The day went by very slowly but eventually the day went by. I went home about 10 or maybe at 11 pm, completely drawn and tired and like every night I always slept on the couch with my little black and white tv laying on my coffee table. I grabbed my blankets and laid back and continued to smoke my cigerettes and watch that small black and white tv as I was laying back I had seen somthing forming at the edge of the coffee table it was like a sillouette of a person with hands clasped in prayer, head tilted forward and the expression of the mouth open at first I thought geez, I must be smoking to many cigerettes and I kept rubbing my eyes and it would not go away it got to the point I had covered my head with my blankets and fell asleep. The next morning I had awoke and still thought of what I had seen and wondered does heartache cause illusions, or lack of sleep make you see things that are not there..I wonder if it was mom most of all.
My mom had been diagnosed with throat cancer in January of 1987 she had a tumor the size of a grapefruit in her throat and it was not good. I was with her that day along with my brother in-law and all I felt was the pain for me,the pain for her and my brother and sisters and my dad, such a great heartache for all us all and there was nothing she could do she had let it gone to far. I new at the previous Christmas something was wrong, she could not talk and all she did mostly was sit around and hold her neck, not the happy mom of Christmas’s past. Here began Our journey of pain and heartache and the helplessness involved. This journey took us on the road of reflection and hope with our constant visual on a daily basis. My sisters and I and dad my brother and brother in-law or there by her side to do what ever was needed or not needed. But there was one thing about this tragic journey that my mom had taught us all, that the love and strength and her commitment to her life gave her the strength to endure the endless pain and weakness of body and to battle forward to the end with great dignity and resolve. The examble of this was a week before she passed she was up making chicken noodle soup for the family from scratch or when she could not lay comfortable on the bed and she always chose the recliner to rest on and how when the pain had gotten so bad that in the darkness she would make her way to the bathroom when the pain became unbearable to cry..as witnessed when I had spent the night and slept on the floor in front of the recliner in case she needed anything and again I was in the way just like all sisters and brother. There was one night that would be her final night, after work I had stopped in and stayed to about 10 she was really restless and uncomfortable she was by then down to about 50 pounds all skin and bones I did not want to go home but did because the house was full of my sisters and I figure I would be in the way. I left and before I had went to bed about 10:30 or 11:00 I had called my sister to see how my mom was doing and my mom had asked with her raspy voice who was it my sister told her it was me and that she was doing about the same as I saw her earlier I went to bed then. It was about maybe 2 or 2:30 in the morning I was awoken by the phone and I answered it, that call still haunts me to this day.I had picked it up and said hello I did not hear a voice but alot of static I kept saying hello hello but it was all static I heard ,it sounded to me like someone was calling me long distance. The phone I had was a land line phone I eventually hung up and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up and had gotten dressed to get ready to go to work and stop in to see mom and to pick her up the usual, her coffee and bacon… still trying to eat. I had gotten there to a scene of commotion and pain to where my mom had passed. Both my sisters who had stayed with my mom were both woken up at the same time in sync they both had said that someone had brushed there forehead and they both had jumped up together only to find mom finally given way to the fate that had waited. I had related to them about that call and we all looked at each other.